My husband died in 2011. It was such a dark time in my life. I sit and think back on those days and I honestly don’t even recognize the person that I was back then. I had become a product of my environment. I had allowed the world around me to invade my thoughts, and it had manifested itself into taking me from who I was created to be, to a person that was full of lies, manipulation, hatred, grudges, and darkness. I have a biography of sorts that I wrote at the urging of my counselor in the later part of 2011. I read it now and I don’t even recognize my own words. I am not the person that I was then...by the grace of God alone.
You see I came to the end of myself. I had nothing left in me to sustain the masks that I had created for myself. Back then, no one knew the true me, the person that I kept hidden deep-down, locked inside because of my fear of rejection and my history of abandonment. Instead, all they saw were the masks that I had put in place to protect myself...the only problem was who was protecting me from the worst version of me? God knew I wasn’t that person! Sometimes the hurts we endure scar us so deeply, we start acting out of the emotions they leave behind, instead of living out of our true identity in Christ. Even though I had been a Christian for many years, I did not have the tools I needed to process this pain in a healthy way with Him. But God...He just needed me to give Him access so He could remind me, deep in my soul, that He had created me in my mother’s womb. He had created me to be His daughter, free and whole. I knew Him and I had accepted Jesus, but had I surrendered to His transformational power? No, not until I had no strength left in my own hands to lift the masks I had created to hide my fear and pain?
In 2011 I surrendered it all. I came to the end of myself and my own manipulation. It didn’t happen overnight and it wasn’t easy. There was one significant defining moment that I remember so clearly. I was sitting in my office, alone...again...just Jesus and me. My Bible was lying closed on the desk in front of me. I was praying out loud, asking...no begging God to take the pain and the lies away. I asked Him, “If you are real, I need you to speak to me! I need to hear your voice clearly and specifically!” Then I opened my Bible and it fell open to Jeremiah. I began to scan the page and my eyes were drawn to verse 5:
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart (Jeremiah 1:5 NIV)
My breath caught in my throat. I now know why...I needed to be known and seen and heard even if it was the very worst version of myself. It was confirmation that He was hearing my cries to Him and He was reassuring me that I was His. My eyes quickly kept scanning and they landed on verses 9 and 10:
Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant. (Jeremiah 1:9-10)
I can only describe that what I felt in that moment was the peace that transcends all understanding. I didn’t know then, but I do now. I was looking in a supernatural mirror of sorts and God was holding it. He knew who He had created me to be. He could see the gifts that He had placed in my soul, and He knew that He could restore the darkest parts of myself back to their original design. He gently and carefully began the healing process that day through His word. I would begin to believe that He did know me and that I was set apart for a purpose.
I would discover that I love to write, especially the words that I feel like He has put on my heart and in my mouth. I have been appointed as a single mother of two amazing boys to build and to plant faith into, and I will destroy and overthrow any generational curse or sin that resides in our family by the authority and the power of Jesus Christ Himself. I have been called to create a ministry with Him to help others find the freedom He has given me.
God sees the truest version of you and He loves you unconditionally, no matter what the state of your outside self is at the present moment. He wants you to look into His mirror and discover who you were created to be. Will you trust Him to show you your true identity?
Your story might not have a ‘big’ valley like mine or a season where you are ‘stuck’ but I believe God is calling all of us to clear out the clutter in our souls so He can show us more of who we are in Him and draw us closer to His heart.
Come to the Well on April 5th and explore your identity with God. Details on the website for registration. We hope to see you there!
Click on the registration link below to join us: